Do you know the hardest words to utter aside from “Goodbye“? It was “I hope you’re happy“. It took me lot of rambling and cursing to say that, and really mean it.
God, it was so hard not to hate you for choosing to he happy. Something I never could have provided. Something I have yet to do.
We fought hard and I could not recall a day we didn’t. We threw books on each other, screamed across the hallway and blurted words we wish we didn’t.
Yes, maybe if we didn’t, we could have had a better story to write. Something brighter. Something you could have been proud of. But we didn’t. We we’re both too proud we almost looked like fools covered with madness.
The last time I checked, you were with this pretty lady, your hands were wrapped around the corners of her shoulder, and your smile was much more spirited.
I wish somehow, or maybe one day, I’d be able to do that too. I hate to admit it but I do envy you. You found it at last, didn’t you?
Well, it’s difficult not to compare myself to her even if it means rubbing salt to my already bitter wound. I know, she has always been better. She’s natural. I would have chosen her over me if I were you. Please don’t tell me. I know. I fucking know.
I was badly hurt. The damage you’ve brought to my life had a domino effect. Literally, everything just started to fall apart. We both knew someone had to leave because it was starting to asphyxiate our lungs. Don’t get me wrong though, I am not blaming you. I am blaming myself.
On a positive note, look what it has done to us. Are you not happier?
There are several reasons why I do not wish to remember because 1) this letter is supposed to tell you how much I want you to be happy and 2) all that’s left behind are memories, treasured, despite our tragedy.
I’m trying to ink my thoughts because my tears wouldn’t stop unless I pour it out. But please, please, don’t pity me or anything. This is just a way of allowing my emotions to completely, hopefully, restore back to normal. You still understand my predicament, right?
I remeber an old joke about repeating a mantra and attracting it afterwards. This is not a joke though, I am saying it out of gratitude and honesty; Be happy.
and I’m sorry, for everything.