Communicate

IMG_2674

Question. How do we stay good amidst all the bad and chaos in this world? A weighty matter that is dangling my head lately. A pious inquiry that has to be discussed now or never. It keeps my mind traversing through empty pages, wandering back and forth to where my values are rooted from, or do I even have those to begin with? Kindly keep me sane for the next few minutes and I will tell you more about it.

I used to say that I would never change for a person; that I love myself and those who are willing to be in my life should accept me for who I am. Easy as that. But I learned that this idea, as I grew up, was nothing but childish. There is a certain point in our life where we should learn how to adjust and change in order for people to stay.

Communication has played a vital role in all healthy relationships. Once you cut it down or blurry it, it could bring a drastic change not only into our daily living but all through out our lives. That is why it is important to know how to speak up when we are already weighted in. The only difference is that we should learn how to express ourselves in a calm and collected way.

I hate how bad I was conducting this past few days. I know that I should be more flexible but deep inside, my insecurities were eating me. I hate how I was turning ugly and how my pride was stinking sky-high. I only thought about how hurt I was so I kept on misbehaving. I  kept acting and talking fooolishly thinking that nothing would change, but unfortunately, we only notice that something is altered once someone steps out of the line to speak and act about it.

They say that very reason of our existence is to interact with people and become part of it, the same way it is with us. But losing the channels that connect us with these people because of our attitude is not justifiable in any aspect. Isn’t it terrifying to know that one day, we’ll be gone and no one would even notice and ask why we’re no longer there? Keep this in mind: We need people in our lives.

Most of the time, we fight and mess up because we can’t relay our true feelings. We say we don’t know but deep inside, we actually do and we just don’t know how to say it. We act cool and find faults unto others, yes we have varying tendencies, but at the end of the day, aren’tweall just yearning for one thing? Understanding. And how do we get that?

First, learn how to understand yourself, know your feelings and why you’re acting that way. Then understand others, know why they’re responding to you that way. When you finally grasp the reason behind, coin your thoughts before blurting them out because words are double-edged sword, it may bring damage to you and the person you’re talking with. Think of yourself recieving those words, how would you feel? Lastly, be honest and slowly convey your feelings out in the open.

Don’t be afraid to speak up, just don’t forget that in return, you should know how to listen as well. You may get a positive or negative feedback, but that’s okay, that’s communicating.  Try to contemplate on it instead. Afterall, there is nothing greater in this this world than to be open and with the one’s we love, right?

Finite, Unpredictable and Brief #3

SAMSUNG CSC

It’ been awhile since I’ve last heard the silence that could pierce a heart. It’s probably the only reason why I tried to open my eyes. To see what was really going on.

A series of pictures flashed in my head and I couldn’t even remember what’s happening in my life. There were faces in black and white and there were sounds which were too familliar in my heart, and yet still, I couldn’t understand. It was like replaying a movie in the ’90s where I felt so attached on a scene because I can almost smell and touch the reality in it. But then again, everything was grey.

A lot has been going on in my head lately and I couldn’t take it in. That’s the reason why I shut them up in the first place. I fear myself made monters which leads me to a repetitive torture – a cycle of my mistakes.

Her name was Chloe. I met her in highschool when I was busy rushing for my first day of class. It was just a coincidence, a piece of rock and slippery road. A perfect wrong timing on a month of June. A typical weather for raincoats and students to gather in the auditorium to hear the message of the principal’s welcome speech. Of course, I was too excited so I ran a little bit faster than my legs could normally handle. I ran like a rapid-fire that I didn’t even notice a tiny rock which tripped the lace my shoes. I slipped and trampled. It happened quickly that I was only able to hear the audience laugh when I tried to regain my balance. I smashed myself on the ground which felt more like a soft torrent inside a basin. I still wonder how it was noticeably noisy that day. Despite my ridiculous disposition, a girl offered me a helping hand. That’s how Chloe and I started our friendship.

We were almost best friends you see. We did funny things, shared secrets and even ditched classes together. I swear, I loved her like my very own sister. I used to say that I will always be with her. But words are just so easy to say.

One day, there was this commotion about cursing our teacher while she was writing on the board. I can’t remember how but all blame was put into Chloe.

She said it, right?” That was the question directed to me when our teacher asked who among us cursed her in the back. She was just so mad that time which made her say so many bad things about Chloe even if she doesn’t truly know her. She exposed her like a black soul covered with dirt, she said nasty things and talked about the rumors we all heard about Chloe’s past. I was so scared to become part of her anger so all I could answer was “I don’t know“. I still don’t understand why she was so determined to crush someone at that very moment. Her anger was out of line but none of us dared to cease her. Everyone was part of it but no one admitted. If only I said “No”, then maybe it would have sufficed the pressure. But I did not. I saw Chole cry infront of me as she left the room. I never had the  guts to follow her.

I don’t know why I was brought back into this scene.

Today, I followed Chloe while I saw my physical body fixed on a chair like a stone. She went straight behind the girls restroom to cry. She was all alone and I wish I could just hug her and tell her that I am with her. But I couldn’t. Spirits are not allowed to do this. We can only travel in time but we can never do anything to change it. We can only watch it as it forms a bigger image in the future.

A wall can be built overnight that’s why they say it not good to sleep with a heartache or a grudge. I remember the day I tried to talk to Chloe, it made me realize the our friendship has ended. Whenever we crossed path, she would act like we don’t know each other. Each time I tried to approach her, she would roll her eyes and pretend that I wasn’t there. I felt like the entire universe and all the human race have conspired against me.

Mad minds could generate things that aren’t even true. I thought that I was the victim. I was hurt and I pondered on that. I started to hate Chloe too. I fought her back when she acted like a brat. What happened next were series of fights and almost everyday cat-calls.

Well, I was never nice to begin with. You may see me smiling in the face but deep within the dark holes inside my head, I was thinking of a lot more. I was cursing people, most especially those who tried to hurt me and those who succeded in hurting me. Pain, you see, is just an aspect of molting. In my part, it was just a bad case of molting. I remember all the people I’ve tried to hurt and realized that sadness can turn into a greater form of sadness if we refuse to face and fix it.

While the silence became even more deafening, I wishpered “Sorry“. I couldn’t find the right words to say because it doesn’t even exist. Death keeps opening my eyes to my own tragedies. I hate that I was only able to see those visible mistakes when I lost the chance to correct them.

There are times, my friend, when we tend to interpret things in a bad light. I thought I was helpless and I couldn’t do anything. I wanted to be undestood but I forgot how to understand.

PS. Dear, if in in case you’re in a situation where I was once before, I only have one thing to say. Save yourself from being bad, please, because no one else can do it for you.