There are some days in summer when everything feels like in slow motion. Today feels like one of them. It’s like watching a movie in a television and you accidentally pushed the slo-mo button, keeping the moment longer, while playing the scene forward. I feel sad. In fact, I feel so sad. And it’s very familiar.
The thing is it’s very nice to be home. It is nice to feel home. Maybe 9 days was way too long to make me want to stay here.. forever, but I can’t. And I will not.
If I choose to stay here, all my dreams will shatter, and I can’t live with that. I can’t walk with a lost soul and broken skeletons along the street. It is very agonizing. So even if 9 days can tempt my emotions to stay, I refuse to be affected (that much). But I’m not regreting my vacation tho. In fact, I am very grateful I did have such a long vacation. I enjoyed it very much.
It’s difficult to leave the comfort of home to stay in a place where you’d feel alone every day.
I know this is just stupid- acting like this. Ugh. I have to grow up and be responsible enough to take care of myself, and my family as well.
Right now, I’m waiting for time. Two more hours and I need to get up and change. I’ve packed my stuff and the I’ll be leaving. Can someone tap me in the back and say: Hello you’re being all sentimental, hindi bagay! Haha.
There are so many things I need to change about myself: My way of thinking, my way of interacting with people, my attitude. And I can’t learn these things if I keep myself hidden here.
I keep reminding myself that I shouldn’t be so vulnerable. That I am a strong woman who can fight for what I want.
I keep reminding myself that I am not a quitter, that it is better to be called a looser than a quitter.
But sometimes, when the sky is covered with a thick blanket of black, I can’t help but hate myself for feeling weak, literally too weak to handle too much emotion.
I wish I could just steal the courage of those people who can stand by themselves alone. Those who can dance in the middle of a thunderstorm and won’t care about anything else. It sucks to know that I’m not even an inch close compared to them. Because I am always afraid.
But this cowardice has to stop! I have to get up and make goals for myself and not be so damn afraid of everything, because if this continues for the rest of my life, it’s going to kill me. I swear, it’s going to kill me.