It’s been awhile since I’ve last heard the silence that could pierce a heart. It is probably the only reason why I tried to open my eyes in the first place, to see what was really going on.
A series of picture flashed in my head and I couldn’t even remember what was happening with my life. There were faces in black and white and there were sounds which were too familliar in my heart, and yet still, I couldn’t understand. It was like replaying a movie in the ’90s where I felt so attached on a scene because I can almost smell and touch the reality in it, but then again, everything was grey.
A lot has been going on in my head lately and I couldn’t take it in. My self made monsters increases the fear that leads me to a repetitive torture – a cycle of my mistakes.
Her name was Chloe. I met her in highschool when I was busy rushing for my first day of class. It was just a coincidence, a piece of rock on slippery road. A perfect wrong timing on a month of June. A typical weather for raincoats and students to gather in the auditorium to hear the message of the principal’s welcome speech. Of course, I was too excited so I ran a little bit faster than my legs could normally handle. I ran like a rapid-fire that I didn’t even notice the tiny rock which tripped the lace of my shoes. I slipped and trampled. It happened quickly that I was only able to hear the audience laugh when I tried to regain my balance. I smashed myself on the ground which felt more like a soft torrent inside a basin. It’s still a wonder how it was noticeably noisy that day. Despite my ridiculous disposition, a girl offered me a helping hand. That’s how Chloe and I started our friendship.
We were almost best friends, you see. We did funny things, shared secrets and even ditched classes together. I swear, I loved her like my very own sister. I used to say that I will always be with her. But words are just so easy to say.
One day, there was this commotion about cursing our teacher while she was writing on the board. I can’t remember how but all blame was put into Chloe.
“She said it, right?” That was the question directed to me when our teacher asked who among us cursed her in the back. She was just so mad that time which made her say so many bad things about Chloe even if she doesn’t truly know her. She exposed her like a black soul layered with dirt, she said nasty things and talked about the rumors we all heard about Chloe’s past. I was so scared to become part of her anger so all I could answer was “I don’t know“. I still don’t understand why she was so determined to crush someone at that very moment. Her anger was out of line but none of us dared to cease her. Everyone was part of it but no one admitted. If only I said “No”, then maybe it would have sufficed the pressure. But I did not. I saw Chole cry infront of me as she left the room. I never had the guts to follow her.
I don’t know why I was brought back into this scene.
Today, I followed Chloe while I saw my physical body fixed on a chair like a stone. She went straight behind the girls restroom to cry. She was all alone and I wish I could just hug her and tell her that I am with her. But I couldn’t. Spirits are not allowed to do this. We can only travel in time but we can never do anything to change it. We can only watch it as it forms a bigger image in the future.
A wall can be built overnight, that’s why they say it is not good to sleep with a heartache or a grudge. I remember the day I tried to talk to Chloe, it made me realize the our friendship has ended. Whenever we crossed path, she would act like we don’t know each other. Each time I tried to approach her, she would roll her eyes and pretend that I wasn’t there. I felt like the entire universe and all the human race have conspired against me.
Mad minds could generate things that aren’t even true. I thought that I was the victim. I was hurt and I pondered on that. I started to hate Chloe too. I fought her back when she acted like a brat. What happened next were series of fights and almost everyday cat-calls.
Well, I was never nice to begin with. You may see me smiling in the face but deep within the dark holes inside my head, I was thinking of a lot more. I was cursing people, most especially those who tried to hurt me and those who succeeded in hurting me. Pain, you see, is just an aspect of molting. In my part, it was just a bad case of molting. I remember all the people I’ve tried to hurt and realized that sadness can turn into a greater form of sadness if we refuse to face and fix it.
While the silence became even more deafening, I wisphered “Sorry“. I couldn’t find the right words to say because it doesn’t even exist. Death keeps opening my eyes to my own tragedies. I hate that I was only able to see those visible mistakes when I lost the chance to correct them.
There are times, my friend, when we tend to interpret things in a bad light. I thought I was helpless and I couldn’t do anything. I wanted to be undestood but I forgot how to understand.
PS. Dear, if in in case you’re in a situation where I was once before, I only have one thing to say. Save yourself from being bad, please, because no one else can do it for you.